Character Biography of Da Scrappy Chihuahua

Published in The Daily Post, Jan. 20, 2011
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=414634051122#!/topic.php?uid=204395652394&topic=29870

'Ey! Buono pepperoni! I'm Da Scrappy Chihuahua. 'Ey, how yoo doowin', huh? I was bworn in Sicily. (An' no, I ain't gawt time ta explain how a Mexican breed became pyoowah Sicilian blood!) Time gawt hawrd financially fwor da Mastah Family. So 'dey had ta sell awlla us pups an breaka up ma famaly. :( I was wunna da lucky ones. I gawt shipped by boat to a Fawstah Puppy Home (kennel) inna Da Brawnx, New Ywoark.

I hated it 'in there! Evary day I was bullied and terrorized by a much biggah and oldah creep named Dominic da Dobahman. He ustah bite ma paw really hawrd an' laugh at me. He ate a buncha ma dinnas in frunna me an' 'den laughed at me. He'd picka me up by da neck an' t'row me against da cage an' get awlla da othah dawgs ta laugh abowddit. Evary time I'd beg da Human Attendants ta help me, 'dey'd lawcka me up inna a cage wit' him alone. So I hadda stawppa doowin' 'dat, huh?!

There was one ray of light and happiness inna 'dat Brawnx Puppy Fawstah Home. Her name was Dazey! She was da cutest little brown Pekingese puppy I evvah seen inna ma whole life! An' she liked me! She ustah tell me one day I'd be free of 'dat place and console me afta Dominic would t'row me around 'til he gawt bwored. She made me feel lika there was hope! I was only 6 yeahs old (human time) and so captivated by her! Yeah. She smelled so gwood! Dazey inspyahd me ta survwive! One day we was happily wawshin' eacha othah's paws when Dominic quietly walked up bahind us an' grabbed her by da neck an' broke it!He killed 'er! I couldn't balieve he did it! 'Den he drawpped her an' laughed at me. He was da only one laughin'. Iffa he hadn't been, yooze coulda hoid dawg poo drawp inna 'dat room. I jus' laid inna da cage cwornah fwor days whimparin' an' mwournin' while he sat inna da middla da next cage laughin' at me.

Latah I was bafriended by 4 pups: Marco, Zippy, Delbert and Ace. 'Doze dudes would sneaka pawrts of 'deir own food to me when Dominic was asleep. Yeah. We made a plan ta escape. Awnna da mworning of da big day Marco was bringin' me some food when Dominic jumped outta a fake nap an' killed 'im! An 'den he ate da food!! An' of cwourse he laughed at me. Whenna da Attendants came fwor Marco's bawdy, Delbert, Zippy, Ace an' I made owah break fwor da door. Dominic was madder'n a snake when he saw me get out. He tried ta get out too but Da Man blawcked 'im. Ace an' Zippy gawt out bahind me but Delbert gawt cawght by a furious Dominic. An' 'dat's da thoid friend I've lawst bacawzza 'dat woithless, fur-bearin' pile of dinoswaur excrement!! :{

Zippy, Ace an' I made it to a dumpstah in an alley 2 blawcks away 'dat we hid undaneath fwor hours. We couldn't find no food we could get to and we wuz hungry and I was MAD! So fwor da foist time inna ma life I moidered somebawdy. I killed a rat 'dat we ate. I t'awght, " 'Ey! 'Dat was easy!" So we went dinnah-huntin' some mwore. I loined how ta kill wit'out regret awn rats until we gawt bigga, an' hungriah, an' wawnted bigga meals. So I started snuffin' opossum. An' 'den cats. 'An 'den terriers who didn' know howda shyuddup, huh? Yeah! We stole food, guns, used da guns to hold up big dawgs an' taka 'their rawhide chew bawrs. A big Golden Retrievah named Gerome said he liked howa I woik an' bacame ma friend. I'd stawrted gainin' respect an' makin' friends an' Gerome innaduced me ta summa his friends. Bafwore I knew it 'dey was awll clamorin' fwor me ta take da Mafiacratic oath an' be Da Dawgfawddah. An' I t'awght, "Yeah. I c'n doo'dis!" So I stawrted "Da Scrappy Chihuahua" Mawfia. Yeah.

Awnna da day of ma lawnch pawrty I was tawlkin' wit' an' associate awnna his front pworch when Ace (who bacame ma chauffeur/getaway drivah) yelled at me from da street, "Bawss! Woid is 'dat Dominic escaped da pokey (animal sheltah) last night!" I yelled back, " 'Ey! Shyaddup an' wait'n da cawr, you!" 'Dat was da last t'ing I wawnted ta heah 'dat day. Hours latah at ma Mawfia Lawnch Pawrty, Gerome (who bacame ma butler/bawdyguawrd) brawght a package to me an' said, "Sir, 'dis was just now specially delivered ta congratulate you awn stawrtin' ya mawfia". Anuddah gift! 'Dis was wunna da happiest days of ma life! I opened it while evaryone was wawtchin'. I tooka da lid awff ta look inna da bawx only ta see da dead bawdy of Gonzo... MY BRUDDA! My littamate from Sicily!! An' next to it was 5 little rib bones. Strange. I found a note inside 'dat read: "You? A mawb bawss? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Your pal, Dominic. P.S. I couldn't find awlla ya goilfriend's skeleton, but I figgered since ya liked her so much at least some of her could keepa ya famaly company! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! D." I was so frazzlin' mad I howled! Zippy (who bacame ma gawrdner/groundskeepah) graciously buried da bones of ma famaly an' friend in a special memorial area inna ma back yawrd.

Iffa yooze ain't figyahd it out yet, Dominic is ma awrch-enemy. An' wunnah 'dese days I'ma gonna bite him inta tiny little pieces! He's a dead dawg! An' until 'dat day, me an' ma mawfia take whawt I wawnt, bite whawt I wawnt, an' kill whawt I wawnt, jus' bacawze we can, huh? Yeah. At da time of writin' 'dis biographical autobiawgraphy, I've hawspitalized just undah 4,200 and capped a little shy of 15,000 enemy mawbstahs. I now live inna da lowah East side of Manhattan, but Da Brawnx streets made me whawt I am (yeah-yeah, wit' a little help from Dominic). I'ze a dawg bent on ravenge an' iffa I find a weakness inna an enemy, I exploit it as much as pawssible wit'out moicy! Don't... mess... wit'... Da Scrappy Chihuahua! Capiche? 'Ey! T'anka yooze fwor ya time! :)

'Ey yooze! Happy Capping! Yeah.

Da Scrappy Chihuahua